you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
