1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
