fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
