My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
