so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
