if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
