my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
