My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
