i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
