Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
It's Friday. Sex?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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