This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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