I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
