the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
