I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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