can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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