I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
