i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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