SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
