It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
