Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
