I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Never underestimate the power of titties
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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