Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
