Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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