Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
