Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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