The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
