im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We need to get me chipped asap
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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