When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
