I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
