Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
