I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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