I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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