Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
