remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
