just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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