I think i sorta joined a cult last night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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