New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
