She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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