Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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