Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
