Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
