Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
