I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
