just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
This baby is an asshole
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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