IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
