God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
