you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
