ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
