Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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