my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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