Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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