Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
