Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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