fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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