FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
