Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
