How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
