we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Drunk is not a location!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
