Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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